my mi

I am trying to wash away your kisses
to remove your fingerprints from my body
to forget the smell of your skin
to stop missing the taste of your soft lips
at night I can still feel your hands on my body
trying to remember every shape of mine
I remember every little bit of you...
every piece of your body...
I am trying to feel your breath in every moment
I cannot understand that I am not going to see your eyes ever again

I just hope this feeling will be gone. I cannot stand that.

sometimes i fell like closing in some little place, for ever , and not knowing about anyone else any more. I don´t want to be with anyone except my mi. I can pass like that few hours, sometimes days, sometimes more. I feel like a little point, desorientated, not knowing where to go and not trusting anyone or anyhing. I feel so damn lonely. Like before. Like before mi.
I just feel like completly incompatible with other people. Like an alien. I always thought that you my other alien mate. But I guess I was wrong.

the Tiger who wants to be a monkey is sleeping with me every night, still, I cannot get rid of the thought that theres you missing in my bed. in my life. constantly. although it doest make the slightest sense¨.
I am almost making you a space near me. I know, it is sick.or pathetic. but I don´t care.
you are still in my dreams

And sometimes I imagine you there, here, anywhere, your smile , your eyes, your voice.. and the thought that you think I cheated, I lied it´s making me unable to undertsand this world. And if thet is all it is , I am really wondering is it worth it. When you loose the only true thing in life it´s hard to go on. You just don´t want to go on.

yeah.

Sometimes I got this moments when I feel such a terrible panic, pain , I don´t know how to call it,
When I miss you so much that I feel like going crazy, catching the plane and going to see you, to be with you, to check if you Ok, if theres nothing wrong, that you are happy and good.
I don´t understand, I should understand I dont exist for you anymore, but it does not depend on me.
I feel like if nothing happened.
You still my mimi, my amitku, mivida, my kochanie my misiu my everything.
So hard so hard to move on.
You were more than friend, more than my love , more, more , more.
Like if you and me were completly compatible, so different but so alike at the same time.
We had everything. Love, respect, truth, fun, passion, trust, fascination.
Or it was just me who had it, mi?

que locura
And should I just forget that you existed?
Sorry, I can´t I can´t .
It is not possible.
Because there will always come this moment of tearing me apart missing you, when all the rest does not matter at all.
This is killing me. I´d rather to have a brain operetion( de todos modos me vendria bien) to forget it all.All.
Am I crazy that after all you did, all I heard from you I still have hope, I still love you.
Just like before.


You made impossible for me to love anyone else.

Uno más y hasta

Se nota que mi español ha mejorado. Bastante. :P :P :P

El salón de mi casa (Mi habitación preferida)

Al principio tengo que concentrarme, porque mi novio es muy nervioso(auaaaaa)

Elegí la habitación más bonita de todo el piso.

Esta habitación es preciosa, tiene mucha luz. Hay una ventana grandísima, con

un cristal doble que ayuda a mantener el silencio en toda la casa.

En esta habitación todas las paredes son blancas, creo que son de revoco.

En las paredes hay muchos cuadros de colores, con varios dibujitos locos.

Generalmente, en toda la casa, los cuadros y pinturas tienen toros.

El suelo en esta habitación es de madera, muy brillante y limpio porque tenemos una limpiadora con mucho talento. Se llama Amitek. Este suelo es muy bueno para mirarlo pero es incomodo para andar descalzo porque cuando el calefactor no funciona, esta frio de puta madre.

En uno de los rincones de salón hay un televisor grande con Dvd, que sirve bien para

ver las películas que alquilamos. En otro rincón hay una mini-cadena, que es perfecta para escuchar música. A mi me gusta escuchar sobretodo la música de mi novio. El sabe cantar, tocar la guitarra y el piano…. y el… el… el es muy bueno.

Cuando entras al salón hay una mesa grandísima de madera con seis sillas. Además hay una mesita más de madera cerca del sofá. Esta mesita es ideal para cenar mientras ves la televisión. El sofá es para tres personas pero es un mueble milagroso, porque puede ser una cama si queremos. Es de color amarillo y es comodísimo.

En la pared al lado de la mesa grande hay una estantería extrañísima. Seria idónea para poner los libros, pero a nosotros no nos gusta leer, entonces todos los libros que tenemos están en otra estantería, en un lugar donde no podemos verlos.

Hay muchas cosas mas en esta habitación, pero como soy un poco retrasada y estoy cansada, no puedo escribir más, mi cerebro ya no funciona.

Buenas noches mi profesor, dulces sueños.

Y más

Siempre tenia que escribir por lo menos una pagina :)

Mi trabajo.

Mi trabajo en Barcelona es diferente, desde el principio. Solamente, de manera yo lo encuentre era diferente. En la entrevista, sin conocimiento de español, hablando en este lengua con dos señores yo he hecho mis primeros pasos en Global Estudio.

Los jefes, me quería comí encara inmediatamente. Por eso, decide decir hasta luego a Alvaro Mendoza y Alteraciones. Pienso, que el estaba muy malo después.( una broma) Eso era una buena decisión, ahora yo lo se.

Dos primeros días eran un poco extraños, sin hacer nada conectado con mi futuro trabajo, pero eso cambio de repente. Tengo que admitir, que tenia un poquitito de miedo. Siempre amaba dibujar pero ahora era totalmente en serio.

Hasta hace tres semanas estoy dibujando todos los días. Desde 9 hasta 7 de la noche

el tiempo no existe. Lo es, que importa mas. Me encanta mi trabajo. Por primera vez quiero despertarme por la mañana para ir a la oficina. Es algo nuevo, algo interesante, algo que supone un reto.

La oficina es muy bonita y me siento muy bien y agradable allí. Hay solamente uno cuarto. Pero es grandísimo. Todos nosotros estamos allí. Además, hay los servicios y una pequeña cocina para preparar café J Pero yo, como no bebo café, estoy usando solo maquina con agua. El agua es ummmmmm…..buenísima

Hay mas o menos veinte personas trabajando en esta oficina: arquitectos, ingenieros y yoJ

Tengo una mesa grande, mi ordenador, 1000 bolígrafos y 200000 dibujos.

Estoy muy ocupada, porque para disfrutar la mejor perspectiva de edificio, hay que hacer muchas pruebas. Por eso, a veces estoy perdida en mis dibujitos.

El mejor para mi es dibujar con colores. Pero esto es solamente al final de trabajo,

Antes la reunión con clientes. La reunión siguiente es en el dia 22, este mes.

Lo significa que voy a dibujar mucho, mucho, mucho este semana.

Ahora mismo, tengo una grande carpeta con mis dibujos, que necesitan acabar, en mi casa. Pero esta bien, so adicto a trabajar, entonces puedo hacer lo aun por la noche con mis ojos cerrados. Además, mi novio tengo mucho trabajo también ,porque el….,el…..,el…….es muy bueno, y todo el mundo le quiere. No quiero molestarle ( hmmmm, no es verdad, quiero malestar le, violarle…)

Gentes a Global Estudios son muy simpáticas. Teniendo en cuenta que los entendí bien, jajajajajajajaj. Hablamos en español, entonces hay una opción que yo oigo lo que quiero oír. Pero no hay una problema, yo sonrió, ellos sonríen y todo es perfecto.

De suerte, hay algunas personas que hablan ingles y cuando estoy muy confusa pueden

salvarme.

Ok mi vida, finito.

Misiu, me encante esta película, que bonita, que increíble……..auuuuuuaaaaa.

Quiero mas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jajajajajjajajaj. Toda la pagina

Y otro

Mi cuarto de bañoJ

Es el lugar que a mí, me gusta más de todo el piso. Porque nunca tenia el cuarto de baño tan increíble. Es como de sueño, con una bañera que tiene forma ovalada, con el espejo enorme y con el lavabo situado en el centro de superficie de cristal.

Cuando entras el cuarto y ensenadas la luz no puedes creer que miras!

A la izquierda de la puerta brille un espejo grandísimo, de tamaño casi toda la pared.

Esto ayuda la luz que bailar en todo el cuarto. Es perfecto para mirarse. Especialmente si estas una persona muy guapa como yo y mi novio. Puedes ver todos los errores que el Dios ha hecho cuando construyó tu cuerpo. Pero da igual, la luz es tan claro que, de todas maneras, no puedes ver nada. Lo, que importa es encontrar la bañera.

Estaba esperando por este tipo de bañera toda mi vida, y por eso ahora, necesito una hora en el cuarto de baño cada mañana. Esto no me parece una perdida de tiempo, es solamente disfrutar el baño. Aun cuando tengo prisa no puedo resistir.

Cada mañana tengo una decisión muy difícil para hacer. Siempre estoy pensando si ir a mi trabajo o si quedar en este lugar tan precioso.

Es posible hacer cosas muy divertidas en este cuarto de baño.

Por ejemplo seria muy guay organizar una fiesta.

La fiesta especial, con helados de chocolate, croquetas, pizza y un poquito de ensaladilla rusa. Seria fenomenal si tendríamos un poco de vino, cerveza, ron, vodka y otros alcoholes.

Pero a mi, me encantaría hacer una cosa diferente.

Tuve el sueño- bañera llena de agua caliente, con muchas velas en todo el cuarto y mi novio guapísimo sin ropas, quien piensa que yo creo que el es DODGY, tontito( ya, debe saber que esto es uno de los motivos de mi amor)

Espero que este sueño vaya a cumplir algún día. Mejor, que pronto. Pero aun ahora imagino el píelo muy suave de mi novio, sus ojos mágicos y sus labios increíbles…….Oh, el……….,el………….el………es muy bueno

Gracias por obligarme escribir en español.

Por favor, porfi, haz lo siempre mi amor.

Eso es una ayuda muy grande para mí, hay solamente una más grande- hablar contigo en español.

Pero yo lo se que no es fácil, es como tener una conversación con alguien quien es del luna.

Gracias mi vida. Te quiero tanto.

Ufffffff.

Increible.
Entonces no sabia, que mis palabras son tan ciertas.
Resulta que lo que paso, que pasa y que va a pasar no importa nada.
Una vez te di mi corazon y mi alma.
Para siempre.

mira q acabo de encontrar...

I was just trying to get rid of unuseful stuff from my laptopki and I found this.
I wrote it just at the beginning in Barcelona. My spanish is crap there. XD.
Lets see...

Hola

Hoy mi profesor fui a dormir hace mucho tiempo.

Pero, como yo soy una buena estudiante, voy a hacer los deberes de todos maneras.

Puede ser voy a haré muchos errores, pero es tarde y tengo sueño, entonces perdoname.

Pido perdón.

Fue a España hace un mes y medio. Es difícil para escribir como me senti cuando vine aquí. Era un poco como sueño, como algo que estaba esperando toda mi vida.

A veces pensaba que voy a despertar en Inglaterra otra vez. No, eso vaya a matarme, de verdad. No quiero volver allí nunca mas. Eso sea perdido de tiempo. En Polonia tenemos una phrase :no puedes entrar el mismo rió dos veces. Exactamente.

Inglaterra para mi parece muy triste y mal. Porque? Al primero estaba en Cork. Una ciudad muy pequeña, turística, donde hace frío todo el año. El invierno allí, aun no quiero recordar. Después gracia de mi amiga estaba en Reading. Eso era más mejor. Más mejor. Cuando llegaba allí me encontré este chico. Desde este día mi vida era diferente. Increíble, como alguien puede poner tan mucha luz en tu vida. Pero, si, ahora se que eso es posible. Me sentí como nunca antes. Increíble. Generalmente, no se palabras para describirlo. Me sentí superfeliz, súper especial, súper chica. Cada dia era asombroso.

Estaba loca, de verdad. Loca. Aun más loca cuando me dijo que vaya a ir a España.

Todo el mundo perdo su valor. Oscuridad, lluvia, dolor. Nunca más. No puedes acostumbrarse de sentir una perdida. Si, sabia que el esta allí. Si, sabia que hay que tener paciencia. Pero no importaba nada. No.

No dormir, no comer, no sonrisa. Me sentí viva solamente cuando hablábamos al teléfono. Por un momento.

Pero ahora estoy en Barcelona.

Mi novio duerme, pero yo tengo muchas cosas para hacer, para pensar, para aprender.

Vida es tan corta. No hay mucho tiempo. Hay que disfrutar cada día. Cada hora, cada secunda. Eso no significa que hay que tener prisa con tu vida. No. El contrario.

Hay que sentir que todo, cada cosa es especial.

Nunca sabes quien vas a encontrar en tu camino. Yo encuentre alguien especial, en cada manera. Porque , el…………el……………….el………….el es muy bueno.:)

Lo que pide por el es que sea feliz. No importa que lo significa .No se donde , no se con quien, no se nada y no quiero saber.

Simplemente que el tendría la mejor. El es el sol, tiene que brillar. Ya , yo lo se que va a ser una estrella mas brillante en todo el cielo. Ya es.

Misito todo va a estar bien. Sabes que estoy contigo si me necesitas o no. Siempre va a ser así. Cuando necesites ayuda, voy a ayudarte con mi fuerza polaca.

Solamente necesito un poco de vodka, un poco de chocolate, 5 croquetas y un poco de sexo( contigo desde luego, exactamente con Harry….o con tus manos……). Todo el resto me importa tres cojones.;)

CASI toda la pagina

XD

"Everything I want, since I am a little girl is to spread my wing and fly away..." A.Sadhwani

Lof story. Part5

Can you understand the joy of someone buying you a towel? Or….someone giving you a key to his flat….or someone insisting on you spending the night with him….

Do you know that the coffee tastes much better when he is sleeping in the room next door ?

Have you ever felt that butterflies every time you finish work and you know he is waiting for you at home? Exactly, home. You can’t wait to fell him, touch him, kiss him, smell him, and hold him.

Every night is a special one.

Every song gets a new meaning.

Every day is unforgettable.

I actually have to write this down, because I am afraid that I will forget how it feels. I will forget how he feels. The smell, the taste of his lips, the smile, his look, his eyes. I will forget. I will forget how he looks like when he wakes up in the morning totally unconscious. I will forget how it feels to kiss him while he is still sleeping. I will forget how it feels not to be alone.

I have to forget, otherwise I will simply go crazy.

So maybe, when I forget it will be easier, and I will be able to fight this terrible heavy feeling from my chest, heart….whatever.

Anyway…

Once upon a time, when we were already in bed he told me he was leaving. Funny thing…I already knew that, but I was ignoring my intuition. It was more comfortable.

I still wanted to believe, he will not just suddenly disappear from my life, just as he appeared one Sunday evening…

I wanted him to be happy, to be good, to realize his dream, to make music, to be free.

At the same time I wanted him to stay with me, or me to go with him, us, not braking apart…

I could not stop crying that night, and many following ones. The fact of him being just for a few weeks more with me was literally breaking my heart into 23652452476 little pieces. Every day was harder. I was trying to forget about that, but I couldn’t. I sow the sadness in his eyes, every time we were sharing one of our happy-.crazy-laughing moments, we both knew, soon they will be just a memory.

The definition of happiness consists of little moments.

Flickering like photos.

The day he was living was grey. Like me. I was a disaster. I don’t know how we got to the airport. I was trying to be full of joy. His suitcase, his nerves, us waiting at the airport. Him almost fainting. Me….numb, trying not to cry.

I will never forget the moment we said goodbye, we were crying like little children , both .I wanted the time to stop, to be able to keep hugging and kissing him forever.

My boy, my men, my Amitek . How was it possible to be without him, after all we became, after all we had together.

Shock. I have no idea how the hell did I get back home. Home, our home where he was all over the place, but he was not there any more.

I was driving back from the airport not seeing, not hearing anything. I think I never felt such a pain before. Pain, emptiness, nonsense. Everything lost the colour, all the people seemed to be no one. Without him, life just was not the same.

I never expected that I will feel like that. From that moment I was like absent. I was doing my things, trying to do my job but I did not forget about him for a single moment. Amitek , he was like a shadow always with me, always close, always with me.

I could not stand talking with anyone, at first I just wanted everyone to leave me alone, to stay with my memories, which were still so alive.

I think that is worse than a drug addiction, because you cannot do anything to kill this constant desire. You body hurts, still looking for his touch. Not understanding that he is not here anymore. Your soul hurts being apart. Your mind just refuses to work.

Crazy, crazy, crazy.

I did not know you can love that much.

I thought, it is going to be better.

It was not, it was not disappearing, all of me was screaming: Amitek, misiu, kochanieeeeeeeee….

The worst experience: those bloody weddings I had in Poland that summer. Every single one was a nightmare. Just waiting for his sms, or writing to him. I could not stand being there, still feeling that he should be with me, that I should be with him.

Sunshine, when you with me I can fly….

We were talking every day, that saved me . The phone becomes the most important thing in my life. Hearing him, talking to him, like he was right there with me, sharing with him all my days and nights.

Everything closed in a phone call.

So little, but so much.

I discovered that misery can be beautiful, too.

My God, how much I missed him, it’s unspoken.

Funny thing, I felt him beside me all this time.

It was probably just my desires, or was his missing me that much too?

I wanted to be with him.

No matter where, how, whatever it had to take.

He came once, after two months.

The moment I sow him at the airport was amazing.

Nothing more existed, just he, he, he , he.

We could not stop kissing.

Again, I could not drive.

We got home, and the first thing we did was making love like crazy, repeating “I love you” to each other over and over again. This, I will never forget either. That love, with a loves songs from Primo. He was with me 5 days. Our bodies were joined more time than separated, like we were trying to take as much as we could from each other, to make it last when we will be apart again. I can remember one special time, when he was touching me so gently, just with his fingertips… I was exploding, exploding, exploding, in the orgasmic pleasure for at least half an hour. Amazing. Intimacy. Desire. Passion. Fire that I have never felt before. Burning fire.

He became the definition of sex for me, the definition of man, the definition of passion.

He made it impossible for me to ever desire anyone else.

He left.

This time it was different.

This time we did not say, that we didn’t know what is going to happen with us.

This time we knew we have to be together.

This time it was just: see you later.

My baby.

?¿

William Shakespeare
The courses of true love never did run smooth.

Lof story. Part4

Now I am not sure of anything.

All seemed to disappear.

ALL WE HAVE:

I doesn´t matter that I suffered.

It was like a stroke, I am gathering my strength, because I found myself completely disabled to accept what happened. I am going crazy. I am going mad.

I cannot stop thinking about him.

Worrying about him.

Not to know how is he kills me.

When I think about that with calmness it just seems unreal.

Impossible.

Unreal.

Lie. Bad joke.

Bad dream

Please, please make it like It never happened.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I wish I will see him besides, or hear him typing something with his laptop, or playing piano, or see him with his headphones making music.

Sometimes it feels like dying. But dying doesn’t hurt that much.

Sometimes I like to think he never existed. It hurts less.

With that I can move on.

With the feel he deleted me from his world I cannot.

Knowing that he truly believes I was cheating, makes me want to scream for the rest of my life.

Why did he made it up, why did he made himself believe that I was unfaithful?

Was he so afraid to loose me, that he had rather simulate that whole thing, to set himself free?

Was I such a pain?

Or was someone so mean to tell him all of that.

Someone whose word was much more important than mine.

Someone who was able to destroy all that beauty.

I was always repeating I will never stop loving him.

No I can see I was right.

He was always repeating noting can change what we have.

Now I can see he was wrong.

Something did.

He helped me to open, he helped me to break the wall, he helped me to set free,

And after….he made me close even stronger, and the wall that exists around me now,

does not have a limit.

Why? Because I trusted him. He was like a magic key. Even when we were not together I always knew he is somewhere there, and if anything happens he will be there for me. When I was loosing my hope, thinking of him was bringing it back. He was the idol, my idol. When I was giving up seeing how bad the world is, he was keeping me up. I did not care to feel strange with other people, not to match the rest because…I knew there is him. Someone who thinks like me, who has the same priorities, who is just like me, who always has the truth for me and… only the truth. Just like me for him. All the world seemd to me so superficial, with no rules, and he.....he was authentic.

Someone who understands me more that I understand myself.

Someone who cares about me, but really cares, like noone else.

I don’t want to think I was wrong.

I’d rather think he had to go, and he disappeared.

He was such a beautiful gift that he couldn’t be real.

He was just too good. Too good to be true.

My little boy, my Amitek, my mimi.

Sometimes I am almost fainting it hurts so bad.

Lof story. Part 3

There we go, little lady. You move in. In spite of all the fears you have , you move in. You let him to be the part of your life. You become the part of his life.

I never knew you can feel something like that.

The first breakfast he made for me. The heart shaped toast. Nothing have ever tasted so good.

I can still remember the taste.

The mornings where I wake up near him, feeling his breath. Or when I catch him looking at me in the bed. Or when I feel him touching me while I sleep. When he sees me undressing before sleep, hmm… before going to bed. When our lips meet: first slowly and gently and than strongly, almost biting, burning.

Sometimes, in the weekends we don’t even leave home. We stay in bed all days long and we make love like crazy until we are so exhausted that we fall asleep again.

I am discovering the greatest pleasures in the world, he is amazing. He takes me higher and higher, he makes me discover myself. He knows exactly where to touch, how to touch, like he was reading my deepest desires.Sometimes I feel like he was teaching me.

I discover that with him I am not ashamed of anything, I am not afraid of anything and everything is allowed. There’s no barriers. No limits. Our bodies are burning. He makes me feel sexy, he makes me feel beautiful. He knows how to make me go wild from the pleasure. I am entering a new world. Private, naughty world. Our world, where we understand each other with no words. Sometimes I cannot believe that he could get so close to me. That I could get so close to him. It is special, I know that. It is beautiful. Every time is different. Every time is magical.

I love to feel him, breathing faster and faster and than exploding. I love to see him explode.
And when we lay still joined after, nothing can describe how it feels. Close.Like we were joined together forever with that. One. I am his , my body is his, and he is mine. We belong only to each other.
Intimacy.

It is unique. He is making me scream from pleasure. I want to give him the same.

Always.

My things mixed with his things. He gave me a part of his life. He is letting me feel good. He is letting me feel safe. Like he was saying: don’t worry girl, I will take care of you. No one ever treated me like this. I cry from happiness.

We get to know each other. The more I know, the more I feel in love. The more I know the more I am sure that he is everything I ever wanted. Or even more.

He makes me fly. I was never smiling that way before.

I love him. Oh my God, I love him so much. I think he doesn’t know how much.

I love him like crazy.

I will never forget this time. These were the most beautiful days of my life.

Our two toothbrushes in the toilet.

Unbelievable happiness.

Lof story. Part2

Can you be afraid of love? No. Although you can be afraid of being hurt, especially that all you ever knew from guys was hurt. If no one ever loved you, if no one ever cared for you if you don’t know how it feels, if you learned that you are alone and just alone.

If you already gave up , thinking it has no sense. If you already lost your hope?

You have never been anyone’s, you have never feel safe, protected, good. Never.

And all you have is you, your own world closed so tightly that you yourself, forgot how to open it. There, you are secure, because there is no one else. No one can hurt you there, because you don’t let anyone in. This is your security.

If your heart is telling you : love, let go, don’t be afraid you get confused. You think you are not able to stand another one making a use of you, playing with you. That you’d rather be alone.

You freak out. To see that someone is trying get into your world, destroy that thick wall you have build around yourself, you freak out. You want to run, run, run to save your own self. You feel trapped. You don´t want to loose your space, your privacy, your little world.The fear is big. It is huge.

One moment.

What the hell is wrong with you girl?

He knows it; he looks in your eyes and sees fear. Like you were a little girl asking: please, don’t hurt me, I cannot stand it any more.

When he asks you why you don’t want to brake the wall, you brake. You cry, but you convince yourself to trust. It is just enough to look in his eyes, and you know. He is not like all. He is different. You know that he has been hurt too. You brake. You open your heart for him. But you only realize when you almost loose him. You realize that he is amazing, that he is beautiful person and he will not hurt you. You open your heart.

You let him in. It feels better that you could even imagine. It cannot be described with words. It cannot be repeated. It is like starting to live. To being born again, and to say: eyyyy, I did not know that life can be so beautiful. I did not know.

And the first time you have sex. It is unbelievable. Like fireworks in New Years Eve

multiplied by 1000. You are afraid, you are not very experienced. At the end of the day you had sex just a few times before. Probably you could count it with fingers from one hand. And it was quick and with no pleasure at all.

This time it is amazing. It is different. He is so gentle, so carrying, so wanting you. He looks at you with so much love and with so much desire that you are coming just with that. The first time in your life you feel that sex is a beautiful thing. Like the union of two energies that were looking for each other for so long. It is like satisfying you deepest desires. Like joining in one with him. I understand why it never happened before. You never loved before. And you never trusted before.

When I am remembering that I am shaking. He - wanting me badly. He - undressing me impatiently. He - kissing me in the way that I am exploding. From that first time I know that I am his. His. I adore his kisses. I learn his body by hard. Every little piece, every little pickle, every little bit of Harry. I taste him, he tastes me. I am letting him in. It is amazing.

Lof story. Part1

How is it possible?

People come and people go. It’s amazing that someone who you have never met before can become the most important person in your life, and take away this constant feeling of loneliness. Just like the world have never existed before you met him. You find out that it lasts just a little while until you wake up one morning and realize that it is already a past. No matter what you do.

How sad, how tragic and how romantically beautiful it seems. The more you love him, the more it hurts and the more you miss him when he’s not you every day reality any more.

You feel like dying, you feel empty; you feel the nonsense of existence, the nonsense of trust, the nonsense of the truth. You find yourself obsessed with little memories; you crave for the slightest proof of him still loving you, you killing yourself with pictures, songs and smells that bring him back to your life. You are analyzing, you are mentalizing , you are making yourself crazy. And you feel like ….hungry, but the only way you may change it is him. Everything looses its taste.

It is like waking up from a dream and facing the cruel reality, it is like coming back home after a funeral and trying to pretend that nothing happened.

And there it comes again:

You see his eyes for the first time, and you feel like a tremendous thunder is hitting you in this particular moment. Your first thought: “holly shit, amazing”, your second thought: “I want to see these eyes every day, every hour, every moment”, and the third: “come on girl, why would he be interested in you”? You smile, you try to be natural, but nothing can change the fact you are already crazy for him. You can’t look at him; you just can’t because if you do you will not be able to stop drowning into his look. With one way ticket. His look that seems to be so familiar, and makes you feel the butterflies flying like crazy all over your body. From this moment every night is his, you wake up remembering his eyes and you fly through the day awaiting the next chance to see him.

And there it comes. You stay alone just for a while and you find yourself not being able to say a single thing. Your heart is beating so fast that you almost sure he can hear it.

You feel like the whole world stopped, nothing exists. It is just you and his eyes. He says something but you can’t hear either. You see his lips, and you dream about tasting them. You die to touch him, you wish this moment never finished.

After he leaves you stay paralyzed and when you read the message from him, you almost get a heart attack.

There you meet for the first time, alone, face to face. Lip to lip. You think: how the hell am I going to wait so many hours until the time of the date. It is impossible for me to stand that .Help. You go to work, you don’t do a shit there, and about three hours before you meet your heart goes crazy again. You have to calm down because if not you will not be able to meet anyone.

You meet. You start talking like crazy, not to let him recognize you nervous like a little girl. It is new, so new you never felt it before, and you don’t know how to act, what to do, how to control it. You don’t know yet that you should not control it at all.

You just go to supermarket to buy some food and you go straight to his place. HIS PLACE. And where is the reasonable Asia? Strange guy, strange place , you never did it before. But you feel he is different and that he is worth it. Yes, he is worth the trust.

He cooks. You want to help, but than you find yourself completely not able to do anything. You focused on him, pretending that all of this is not affecting you at all. That you are calm, that you are easy. You can’t stop talking; you empty the bottle of wine. You eat and you feel like every little bit of the food was growing in your stomach. Not that he cannot cook, just the opposite: it is delicious. After, he plays piano. He plays piano, and you know that it is just a little beat of what he is able to do. You feel like entering the magical world. His world. You sit on his lap, because there is only one chair. And he kisses you. First with a certain shyness, examining your reaction. But God Heavens the way he kisses you, it’s the perfect way. Like he would read your mind, like he would knew you desires. The world changes. For ever. You fall in love in his eyes in his lips in his gentle touch. You are afraid; you have been hurt so many times before.

But you kiss until you get the kick from your own brain that you should get lost now. You kiss and kiss and you are boiling inside. When you find yourself lying on his bed, you get afraid. But his lips, his lips ,his kisses and his lips. He walks you home and you don’t stop kissing. It’s freezing cold and you don’t feel it. His lips his lips his voice.

You feel like dancing. You cannot stop kissing and you don’t want to let him go, as if you were afraid it is a dream and you will not see him again. Because it is like a dream. The most beautiful dream you have ever have.

You cannot explain love. It’s like a magnetic power, incontrollable energy. Overwhelming. The most beautiful thing in life. It is divine. You adore the smile, you adore the look, the sound of his voice, you adore the smell of his skin. You feel that you were waiting all of your life just for him. And all the suffering before was worth it. Just for him.

Some of the people keeps falling in love every 15 minutes, I don’t. It is very hard for me to let someone get so close. And noone ever got so close. Just him. I know I will never feel it again. I have found him, my honey, my sunshine, my maid, my friend, my family , my boy, my little boy. It is eternal, I always used to repeat that no matter what happen nothing can change the way I feel. Now I know that it is true. No matter what. How strong and ridiculous it is. I love him forever.