Lof story. Part4

Now I am not sure of anything.

All seemed to disappear.

ALL WE HAVE:

I doesn´t matter that I suffered.

It was like a stroke, I am gathering my strength, because I found myself completely disabled to accept what happened. I am going crazy. I am going mad.

I cannot stop thinking about him.

Worrying about him.

Not to know how is he kills me.

When I think about that with calmness it just seems unreal.

Impossible.

Unreal.

Lie. Bad joke.

Bad dream

Please, please make it like It never happened.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I wish I will see him besides, or hear him typing something with his laptop, or playing piano, or see him with his headphones making music.

Sometimes it feels like dying. But dying doesn’t hurt that much.

Sometimes I like to think he never existed. It hurts less.

With that I can move on.

With the feel he deleted me from his world I cannot.

Knowing that he truly believes I was cheating, makes me want to scream for the rest of my life.

Why did he made it up, why did he made himself believe that I was unfaithful?

Was he so afraid to loose me, that he had rather simulate that whole thing, to set himself free?

Was I such a pain?

Or was someone so mean to tell him all of that.

Someone whose word was much more important than mine.

Someone who was able to destroy all that beauty.

I was always repeating I will never stop loving him.

No I can see I was right.

He was always repeating noting can change what we have.

Now I can see he was wrong.

Something did.

He helped me to open, he helped me to break the wall, he helped me to set free,

And after….he made me close even stronger, and the wall that exists around me now,

does not have a limit.

Why? Because I trusted him. He was like a magic key. Even when we were not together I always knew he is somewhere there, and if anything happens he will be there for me. When I was loosing my hope, thinking of him was bringing it back. He was the idol, my idol. When I was giving up seeing how bad the world is, he was keeping me up. I did not care to feel strange with other people, not to match the rest because…I knew there is him. Someone who thinks like me, who has the same priorities, who is just like me, who always has the truth for me and… only the truth. Just like me for him. All the world seemd to me so superficial, with no rules, and he.....he was authentic.

Someone who understands me more that I understand myself.

Someone who cares about me, but really cares, like noone else.

I don’t want to think I was wrong.

I’d rather think he had to go, and he disappeared.

He was such a beautiful gift that he couldn’t be real.

He was just too good. Too good to be true.

My little boy, my Amitek, my mimi.

Sometimes I am almost fainting it hurts so bad.