Can you understand the joy of someone buying you a towel? Or….someone giving you a key to his flat….or someone insisting on you spending the night with him….
Do you know that the coffee tastes much better when he is sleeping in the room next door ?
Have you ever felt that butterflies every time you finish work and you know he is waiting for you at home? Exactly, home. You can’t wait to fell him, touch him, kiss him, smell him, and hold him.
Every night is a special one.
Every song gets a new meaning.
Every day is unforgettable.
I actually have to write this down, because I am afraid that I will forget how it feels. I will forget how he feels. The smell, the taste of his lips, the smile, his look, his eyes. I will forget. I will forget how he looks like when he wakes up in the morning totally unconscious. I will forget how it feels to kiss him while he is still sleeping. I will forget how it feels not to be alone.
I have to forget, otherwise I will simply go crazy.
So maybe, when I forget it will be easier, and I will be able to fight this terrible heavy feeling from my chest, heart….whatever.
Anyway…
Once upon a time, when we were already in bed he told me he was leaving. Funny thing…I already knew that, but I was ignoring my intuition. It was more comfortable.
I still wanted to believe, he will not just suddenly disappear from my life, just as he appeared one Sunday evening…
I wanted him to be happy, to be good, to realize his dream, to make music, to be free.
At the same time I wanted him to stay with me, or me to go with him, us, not braking apart…
I could not stop crying that night, and many following ones. The fact of him being just for a few weeks more with me was literally breaking my heart into 23652452476 little pieces. Every day was harder. I was trying to forget about that, but I couldn’t. I sow the sadness in his eyes, every time we were sharing one of our happy-.crazy-laughing moments, we both knew, soon they will be just a memory.
The definition of happiness consists of little moments.
Flickering like photos.
The day he was living was grey. Like me. I was a disaster. I don’t know how we got to the airport. I was trying to be full of joy. His suitcase, his nerves, us waiting at the airport. Him almost fainting. Me….numb, trying not to cry.
I will never forget the moment we said goodbye, we were crying like little children , both .I wanted the time to stop, to be able to keep hugging and kissing him forever.
My boy, my men, my Amitek . How was it possible to be without him, after all we became, after all we had together.
Shock. I have no idea how the hell did I get back home. Home, our home where he was all over the place, but he was not there any more.
I was driving back from the airport not seeing, not hearing anything. I think I never felt such a pain before. Pain, emptiness, nonsense. Everything lost the colour, all the people seemed to be no one. Without him, life just was not the same.
I never expected that I will feel like that. From that moment I was like absent. I was doing my things, trying to do my job but I did not forget about him for a single moment. Amitek , he was like a shadow always with me, always close, always with me.
I could not stand talking with anyone, at first I just wanted everyone to leave me alone, to stay with my memories, which were still so alive.
I think that is worse than a drug addiction, because you cannot do anything to kill this constant desire. You body hurts, still looking for his touch. Not understanding that he is not here anymore. Your soul hurts being apart. Your mind just refuses to work.
Crazy, crazy, crazy.
I did not know you can love that much.
I thought, it is going to be better.
It was not, it was not disappearing, all of me was screaming: Amitek, misiu, kochanieeeeeeeee….
The worst experience: those bloody weddings I had in
Sunshine, when you with me I can fly….
We were talking every day, that saved me . The phone becomes the most important thing in my life. Hearing him, talking to him, like he was right there with me, sharing with him all my days and nights.
Everything closed in a phone call.
So little, but so much.
I discovered that misery can be beautiful, too.
My God, how much I missed him, it’s unspoken.
Funny thing, I felt him beside me all this time.
It was probably just my desires, or was his missing me that much too?
I wanted to be with him.
No matter where, how, whatever it had to take.
He came once, after two months.
The moment I sow him at the airport was amazing.
Nothing more existed, just he, he, he , he.
We could not stop kissing.
Again, I could not drive.
We got home, and the first thing we did was making love like crazy, repeating “I love you” to each other over and over again. This, I will never forget either. That love, with a loves songs from Primo. He was with me 5 days. Our bodies were joined more time than separated, like we were trying to take as much as we could from each other, to make it last when we will be apart again. I can remember one special time, when he was touching me so gently, just with his fingertips… I was exploding, exploding, exploding, in the orgasmic pleasure for at least half an hour. Amazing. Intimacy. Desire. Passion. Fire that I have never felt before. Burning fire.
He became the definition of sex for me, the definition of man, the definition of passion.
He made it impossible for me to ever desire anyone else.
He left.
This time it was different.
This time we did not say, that we didn’t know what is going to happen with us.
This time we knew we have to be together.
This time it was just: see you later.
My baby.
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